Recently I have been in my dating era and it has been… an experience to say the least. I began making little notes to myself after dates in my notion page that I have been calling “dating diaries.” It’s such an interesting way for me to keep track of this experience. It gave me the idea to start a new category on my blog about it and what lessons it is teaching me. So, stay tuned for more about modern dating from a higher consciousness point of view.
Coming Up
Dating in modern times comes with its benefits and rewards. One thing I love about our current dating trends is how easy it can be to meet new people! We are easily able to connect at the touch of a button when it used to take IRL interaction to meet a guy. We are no longer confined to our hometown, our church groups, or word of mouth. The caveat is that with seemingly so many connections, it is even easier to invest too much of our energy into these people and less time in our personal development.
In this post, I will discuss a common theme that happens when women date. Men going ghost 👻. When you think things are going well, or maybe you had a great date, but then they suddenly stop responding. I’ll touch on some science and anthropology that explains it and how we can interpret this in an entirely new way that empowers us. After all, dating is just another way we can fuel our inner work journey. Quick note* All my blogs are about things I have personally experienced, so if you’ve had similar experiences with anything I post about, be sure to leave a comment after reading!
Men naturally deselect themselves
Feminine energy mentor and love coach Mina Irfan has a phrase that she refers to when talking about this phenomenon. She calls it de-selection. While not explicitly always referring to ghosting, men deselect themselves in a few other ways. A man could deselect himself in a relationship with you by breaking up with you. He could deselect himself by showing undesirable behaviors. Or he could simply ghost you. As women, we also have the option to deselect a partner if we do not feel like they are a match. But the point is, men will deselect themselves because it is wired into them.
In biological anthropology, there is a concept of deselection as well. This usually refers to traits that organisms will get rid of because they are no longer needed. For example, modern humans have much smaller teeth than our ancient ancestors. With the development of our eating tools and a less robust diet, we no longer need to have huge molars and teeth. Similar to how a trait that is no longer needed fades away somewhere in the biological ether; men also fade away from your life when they cannot contribute anything to you.
Men are intelligent, fully capable, and intuitively gifted at many things. Knowing when a woman is not for him is one of those. That is why people always say that a man basically knows immediately if he likes a girl or not. He may stick around for a while just to play with you and get something from you, but he knew from the start that he was gonna deselect himself. Oftentimes, when women start to level up, physically, mentally, financially, etc. a man will decide. He knows that either he can meet you where you are going, or he cannot. When a man meets a woman who is out of his league for whatever reason, he knows whether he can meet you or not. When he can’t, he will excuse himself from your life. There are signs that he will deselect himself, and these are things you definitely should not ignore.
Listen to him when he tells you this 👇🏾
A tale-tale sign that a man might ghost you or deselect himself is when he verbally says something that clearly indicates that he does not feel worthy of you. You’ve seen this before, but did you really understand what was happening on a deeper level? Have you ever seen a woman with a man who tells her that she is “too good for him?” Women often take this as flattery and we brush it aside. “Oh Jim, you’re so silly, stoppppp!!! ” He’s not being silly, he is dead serious. He is literally telling you that he doesn’t deserve you and he knows you can do better. It’s not a joke, it’s his subconscious mind coming forth to play because it is ready for self-sabotage.
Men are much more straightforward than us. They will tell you straight up how they feel and what you can expect from them. This is a great thing. It’s less guesswork for us. When he tells you that, take his word for it and deselect yourself from his life. If you’re in a relationship like this, take inventory of what you and your partner have in common and what you don’t. You’ll probably find that he’s right and you should probably rethink why you’re with this person if he is unable or unwilling to meet your standards.
When I was on a date with a man he looked me in the eyes and said, “You have such a great figure, why are you with me right now?” He was on the chubbier side, but he was not super out of shape and worked out regularly to lose weight, so I laughed it off. Little did I know, this was him telling me that he was going to deselect himself because he thought I looked too good for him. Sure enough, things began to happen that kept us from being together until it eventually went cold. There were other reasons no doubt, and I will make a post about red flags soon. However, this was one of those clear declarations that reveals a man’s true feelings. Men deselect themselves for many reasons, it could be their looks, lifestyle, intellect, or literally anything else. The key here is that when they tell you that, listen. Dating is so fun, but it’s also an opportunity for us to learn how to get up and walk away when things aren’t right.
Moving in a new direction
When men tell us that they don’t feel like they deserve us, we have to ask why. Then that leads us deeper into ourselves and there are some key questions we have to ask. Assuming he is correct, what is it about him that attracted you to him if he did not meet your standards? Oftentimes, we seek the feelings associated with a relationship rather than the person themself. Maybe we can find that which we seek in another person within us instead. I have been saying a prayer/invocation about this that has really helped. It is along the lines of “God/source, please help me find the ____ that I seek in this person within myself.” It is so simple, but it feels so powerful.
When he doesn’t ghost you…
A quick note here is that not all men who are not at your current standards will deselect themselves in a timely manner or even at all. Let me explain. Some men will drag women along in decade-long relationships when they know that they will eventually deselect themselves. These guys will give you hints like the one above and even make a joke out of it. They are dangerous! They might be insecure and try to make you feel doubtful so you can lower your standards and values to meet them. Never come down to their level, either they meet you or they don’t. It’s so tempting to make an exception for him. But when we do that, we are telling ourselves that it’s okay to do this with everyone. Not only that, we won’t take ourselves seriously on a subconscious level if we don’t stick to our own standards. You owe it to yourself to stick to your guns.
Secondly, some men won’t deselect themselves because they may be doing their own inner work. Love that for them, those are the keepers. These men are usually healthy masculine men who also value lifelong development. When they see you investing in yourself, they will want to do the same. These men know they have work to do and do it. However, don’t force it. If you are super into self-development and your partner is not, you cannot make him. You may inspire him to do so but don’t push it. It should come naturally to him. If it does not, he is not your man. Nonetheless, treat them with grace and empathy either way.
Fin
So, you’ve been ghosted, now what? This is a good opportunity to take what I have said and reflect on it. One thing I have learned about life is that everything is a lesson. Lessons are not always fun and usually come with a challenge, but they do spring us into action that, let’s face it, we probably wouldn’t have worked on if it were not for it. During times of struggle when we are disappointed with our dating life, men, or anything else, we can always look at the lesson.
In closing, what lesson(s) have you learned from being “ghosted” or ending things with a partner? Let me know in the comments. If you have found this post valuable, remember to share it on Facebook, Pinterest, or with a friend so they start their inner work journey.
